More fireside fun.

Damn my head hurts. What is it with wine?

Well, it was another night with Polites’ spirits. Misenus, Polites and I were passing the bottle, and before long, the General once again graced us with his presence.

The four of us were classmates back at the Academy. Even though Odysseus gets our salutes and whatnot when other folk are around, when it's just the four of us, it can almost get casual.

Anyway, I guess that Odysseus had decided to leave his rank in his tent tonight, and after we had emptied our second bottle, we actually started to have a pretty good time.

That is until Elpenor showed up.

He must've heard Odysseus' thunderous laugh, because I could tell that he had gotten dressed again just to come out and schmooze with the General. -That guy has got to be a masochist.

Anyway, the four of us classmates were having a good laugh about old times. I guess that Elpenor felt left out, because somewhat out of nowhere, he quips: "Hey General, if we could get those Trojans to trade for our horses with our men on top, we might have a chance to finish this war!"

Polites who is always so cruel with Elpenor, laughed: "Well, you could always climb into one of those horse's ass Elp, then you could open the gate for us!

Much to Elpenor's displeasure, Odysseus got a big kick out of this. He shouted: "I'll go get my saddle oil, Lieutenant! But don't worry, I've got a great draft horse that will make for a comfortable trip!"

I felt bad for Elpenor, but even I couldn't help but laugh.

Unfortunately, this just encouraged the General more, and he continued to make progressively lamer horse-ass jokes for the next twenty minutes at Elpenor's expense. Finally, only Polites and Odysseus were laughing. I thought that poor Elpenor was going to cry.

Maybe he did. As soon as Odysseus had calmed down, the lieutenant excused himself.

But, after Elpenor left, Misenus quite seriously asked: "What if we could get men into Troy, by hiding them inside something?"

At that, Odysseus started to laugh, but it was obvious Misenus wasn't kidding.

I think that it is a pretty crazy idea, but Polites and Misenus continued to talk about it for the next couple of hours. After a while, Odysseus and I got tired and left. At that time, I think that their idea was that we build a statue of Athena, hide a handful of guys inside there, and try to get the Trojans to take it.

I guess that the Trojans might bring something like that inside. I don't know. I still feel pretty drunk. Still, anything that could put an end to this war sounds good to me.


Ok, so my head hurts. Drank tooo much Trojan wine. Can’t sleep.

So Polites, gets this wine from a couple of Trojan girls he is seeing. Not the prettiest of girls, but that’s Polites. Misenus, Elpenor and I helped him work on it. It was cool and breezy, and I couldn’t help but think that we were at a beachfire back at the Academy.

Polites is going off about his exploits with these gals, and guess what? General Odysseus comes strutting up. We must’ve been something like 200 yards from his tent, but he’s still buckling his belt as he walks up. -Just so we would all know that he got laid. What an ass.

Anyway, Elpenor totally takes the bait, and is like: “A rough night of conquest General?!” Such a lame innuendo, but Odysseus loves it. He says something like: “Well, Lieutenant Elpenor, let’s just say that there were at least some parts of Troy that were subjugated on this night!” -Frickin’ Apollo’s ass.

Well, feeling good and stroked, the General plops down and goddamned Elpenor hands him a bottle of wine. Elp then starts yapping to the General about Polites and his girls, and how we got the wine. -Whatever. But then, the General blows us away.

“How’d they get back into Troy, Eurylochus?” he asks me.

Is it really possible that the General doesn't know that each morning, small numbers of peasantry and animals were released from the gates, to be readmitted in the evening? -It’s not like it’s a risk to Troy. Their high ground makes our position always obvious. If we came close and messed with these folk, they’d just toss some burning oil on our asses. Anyway, we trade with these people. It’s been going on for more than a year.

I start to tell the General about this, trying my best not to make him look stupid, but then Elpoenor interjects: “Yeah, some of those Trojans even traded wine for a couple of horses from the Salamisians. I can’t figure why they’d want horses though.”

Odysseus frowned at that. He then goes: “Oh, yes, yes… that’s how those girls have gotten into the city. I thought that Polites knew of some other means of getting into Troy.” -But, we knew otherwise.

It must have really pissed off Odysseus that the Salamisians are profiting from this trade. Ajax is the General of the Salamisians. The two Generals are always very cordial to each other, but I know that Odysseus is intimidated by Ajax. Like Odysseus, Ajax is a monster of a man, and he looks every part the leader too. However, unlike Odysseus, Ajax is a quick thinker and smooth talker. Odysseus can own just about any room, but not one with Ajax in it. It must have really bothered him that not only had Ajax known about this trade first, but that he might actually be profiting from it too.

Anyway, that sort of dampened the General’s spirits, because not long after, he excused himself. Once again, Elpenor tried his best to impress the General, and instead just succeeded in pissing him off.



This morning, I ran into Elpenor on the way to Odysseus' tent. Actually, he sort of ran into me. He must have known where I was headed. That sorry guy is such a kiss-ass.

I was just delivering some supply papers, and as I didn't feel like hiking across the encampment, I gave them to him. I told him that they were very sensitive, and that he shouldn't stop or talk to anyone on the way. This made Elpenor perk up like a homely girl asked to dance. After accepted the papers in an exaggerated military form, he strutted off like he was the head of some goddamned parade. Although I was just being lazy, it kind of made me feel like I had done a good deed.

Anyway, Polites ran into Elpenor while he was enroute. Polites loves giving Elpenor a hard time. I guess he pulled rank and asked the lieutenant to stop. This must have of broke the guy's brain, because Polites told me that Elpenor just kind of whimpered and bolted.

Polites thought that he might have diarrhea.

The saddest thing, is that Odysseus came up to me after the General's meeting tonight and asked that I don't send Elpenor to his tent anymore. I guess that he showed up all sweaty and freaked out. Odysseus asked him what he had brought, but as one of his ladies was in the room, Elpenor just stood frozen and Odysseus had to pull the papers from his hand.

Odysseus then asked if I thought we should transfer Elpenor. -That poor bastard.


Getting tired of this damned siege. I’d love to give that fruitcake Paris a smack for getting us all into this.

The goddamned Minyans have been making an awful fuss about having to sail all about trading or pillaging for food. At least they get to get off this stinking beachhead.

It’s going on nine years or something, and I hate to say it, but I think that those damned Trojans have us beat. It’s not like their damned city is sealed or anything. As a matter of fact, I am writing this with Trojan ink. –If you can’t beat them, trade with them, I guess.

Anyway, since I did get a hold of some ink, I figure that I’ll start writing some. Odysseus has got me sitting at my desk half the day anyway, even though there isn’t a damned thing to do. It takes about 30 minutes to finish the provision orders the first day of each week. Other than that, it’s just picking my arse and looking busy when the big guy comes around.

Sometimes he babbles off something for me to write to Penelope. Man, is that the cheesiest crap. Something like “Oh sweet Penelope, blossom of my fruit tree, you are so sweet to me!” No shit, no exaggeration. The guy is no poet. It hurts me to write the stuff. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if she has moved along. It’s been years. Odysseus sure has his distractions.

Shit, speaking of the devil… more tomorrow.